6 Aug

Rotten To The Core: Journey To The Center Of The Earth

Posted by Todd Rigney | Wednesday August 6, 2008 | News

Journey To The Center of the EarthIn the days of my youth, back when I was filled with hopes and dreams and unsightly boogers, the local neighborhood convenience store was where my friends and I would hang out and discuss the intricacies of life. We’d also spend our lunch money on sugary foods, high-calorie carbonated beverages, and, occasionally, cheap knock-off G.I. Joe figures encased in flimsy cardboard containers. As I tore away the colorful packaging to interact with my latest molded plastic purchase one sunny summer afternoon, my unfortunate investment’s arms and legs immediately fell away, leaving only his head and torso to answer for this unsettling crime. And while I can’t recall the exact name of this ultra-cheap cash-in, I do remember the overwhelming sensation of sadness when I discovered I’d been completely ripped-off by a shady corporation looking to make a few bucks off skinny little suckers like me. Bitterness, I’ve found, never really goes away.

Instead, it lies dormant, waiting for the opportunity to live again.

Not surprisingly, this debilitating series of unwelcome emotions came screaming to the surface after viewing Scott Wheeler and Davey Jones’ opportunistic adaptation of Jules Verne’s classic novel Journey to the Center of the Earth. In true Asylum fashion, the film makes it direct-to-video debut around the same time New Line Cinema’s Brendan Fraser 3-D extravaganza dances its way into cineplexes all over the entire world. There are, however, a number of significant differences between this low-budget nonsense and the source material, though I seriously doubt that anyone who purposely rents this drek knows how to read. No offense to those who simply have absolutely no taste in film, as I’m sure your ability to comprehend the written word is outstanding.

Here’s what you get for the suggested retail price of $24.95: A team of sexy female adventurers suddenly find themselves stuck in the center of the Earth after a ridiculous scientific experiment goes horribly wrong. The only possible way to solve this problem, of course, is to assemble another team of military-minded individuals and send them straight into our planet’s majestic core to retrieve these curvy gals before something extremely unpleasant happens to them. Along the way, two saucy sisters will bicker and fight, a slew of hideous monsters will attack, and you’ll probably fall into a deep, uncomfortable sleep before the half-hour mark. Assuming, of course, that you haven’t destroyed your DVD player in a fit of blind, unadulterated rage.

After consuming this wonky rendition of Journey to the Center of the Earth, I’ve come to the realization that maybe, just maybe, the films produced and distributed by Asylum were not conceived with yours truly in mind. This might explain why I felt my entire body revolt against the film’s miserable excuse for dialogue, plotting, special effects, and all stops in-between. Additionally, I’m not a huge foaming fan of low-budget science fiction, especially the kind that was blatantly crafted to take full advantage of its big-budget counterpart’s box-office success. Does this make me a stick-in-the-mud who doesn’t get the joke? Perhaps. Then again, maybe I just value both my entertainment dollar and my precious free time. I’m putting my money on the latter.

Is there anything in this motion picture that makes it worthy of at least one drunken night’s rental? That depends, I think, on what you’re looking for. If you’re hungry for yet another creamy cinematic treat starring Michelle Pfiefer’s sleazy little sister Dedee, this might satisfy your unsightly urges for sickly blonde women with no talent. Don’t get me wrong — Dedee’s a great actress, that is, until she opens her mouth and begins to speak. The same can be said for co-star Greg Evigan, best known for his role as Joey Harris on My Two Dads. To be fair, every single actor does the best they can with the script, which was probably composed on a used pantie shield in-between inhalations of paint thinner. They gave it their all, I suppose, but I’ll keep the pretty gold star for myself, thank you very much.

Journey to the Center of the Earth is one long barrage of cheap special effects, shoddy acting, and bargain basement writing. If you’re into this sort of thing, perhaps you’ll find this sad excuse for a motion picture to be to your liking. More power to you. However, if you’ve been burned by Asylum and their questionable attempts to make a buck off other, more accomplished films in the past, you’d do well to stay far away from this one. Like those atrocious Sci-Fi original movies, Asylum’s output caters to a specific audience, one that I have absolutely nothing in common with. And if you do find suddenly yourself struggling with the decision to bring this title into your cozy little home, ask yourself this simple question: Which would you rather have, a cheap imitation or something that’s actually worth your money?

I have a head and a torso that would love to assist you with your decision.

17 Comments 

  1. August 8, 2008 6:44 am

    Trott Felipe

    Wait…so you’re saying it’s bad?

  2. October 20, 2008 6:43 pm

    john

    So is there a trailer?

  3. October 31, 2008 8:47 pm

    Casey

    I think they’re banking on moms going into the video store and thinking they’re renting a cool new movie that everyone will like until they get home and their kid points out to them that it’s a knock-off. “Let’s watch it anyway! I’m sure it will be just as good.” she says hopefully. It isn’t even close mom, not even close.

  4. November 9, 2008 7:35 pm

    midi

    I was suckered into renting this movie from Walmart’s Redbox rental machine. I truely thought it was the Brenden Frazier version. It was a two thumbs down knockoff.

  5. November 10, 2008 11:32 pm

    Elmo Pettigrew

    Same story…wife got suckered thinking it was the Frasier movie. Good thing we had the RedBox free movie code. Watched it for 15 painful minutes and… felt like a TV series where I’m supposed to know all the characters and their motivations…the all-female combat team have great bodies and wear tight clothing, coincidence ?? NOT !! Not even a B movie..definitely a big fat F.

  6. November 24, 2008 3:15 am

    Las Vegas Chris

    I picked up this little gem at blockbuster. I wiil read the cover more closely next time. I didn’t even think the women were sexy. They were doggy! (no offence to dog lovers) If they were in the center of the earth, what was with the blue sky? Did you also know trees and grass grow 600 km into the earth? If miss Phiffer had any pride at all she would kill herself!

  7. December 3, 2008 12:20 am

    Goldenpig823

    This movie was total crap. If you want to get some entertainment from it, I’d advise you to use the DVD as a frisbee with your kids instead. It’ll be much more rewarding.

  8. December 13, 2008 1:48 am

    wow

    No joke was this bad. So bad it was almost funny. Actually it would have been better if they realized this was crap and made it into a spoof comedy. By the way, accidently picked this up at Redbox too. Last time I get something from redbox. I think I’d rather support a family owned local movie store then waste my money renting from a place that doesn’t even provide local employment. Join me and ‘shop’ local!

  9. January 10, 2009 3:04 am

    angrymoviewatcher

    Oh! My poor children! I am sure they will need years of therapy after having to watch this wretched movie. We kept thinking….this will get better…it can’t really be this bad…. of course I kept thinking they would stumble across an acting class down there and we would all be okay. This never happens. That is by far the most frightening thing in the whole movie. My husband, who was left unsupervised to entertain the children for the evening found this little gem in a RedBox. He really did believe it was the blockbuster hit the kids were all talking about, even if my daughter kept saying….”uh dad I don’t think this is what happened on the previews….”
    Sad sad sad….
    someone owes us an apology, or therapy…
    something. Quick!

  10. January 22, 2009 7:10 pm

    tasha tuni

    THIS MOVIE WAS LIKE THE CHEAP PORNO YOU HAD WHEN YOU WERE 14. HORRIBLE!

  11. January 25, 2009 3:59 pm

    meha

    oh my god……..it sucked. thought it was the follow up………i kept waiting for two of the women to starting muggin’ down and get naked and jump in the water………it really felt like watching a porno with dinosaurs DO NOT GET THIS MOVIE IT SUCKED.

  12. January 27, 2009 3:22 pm

    Stephen In Tallahassee

    Wow!! I’m happy to know I wasn’t the only sucker that was taken by this scam of movie . . . Low tech effects, awful acting, and one of the worst scripts in history makes this movie unbearable. . . Don’t waste your time or money on this disaster of a film . . .

  13. April 19, 2010 3:46 am

    King

    I just watched this on syfy channel got up to the point where they describe the “ship” used to rescue the others had to stop there from the total rip off of The Core

  14. April 20, 2010 3:03 pm

    Alice

    i just watched the movie on syfy also and i actually thought it was a sorta bad movie,but you may be making it seem worse then it actually was…i mean i have seriously seen worse -.- and all of you saying you thought it was the other movie…then all i have to say is are you sure you didn’t already know what movie it really was but were just ashamed of how it turned out that you have to lie about it,well maybe not all of you but i have a feeling that at least one of you would of.and hey i guess we all agree in some way that movie did have a lame rush in story line,a slow going middle and a week minded ending that made absolutely no sense on how they got home like that plus some of the scenes are completely irrelevant to the story plot,so yeah i guess this movie sucked :P

  15. November 27, 2010 5:13 pm

    Watcher

    Honestly this is THE WORST MOVIE I have ever seen in my entire life. and I’m not overexagerrating; that title was formerly held by Mean Girls.

    I kept on saying… I’ve already wasted 1/2 hr of my life might as well finish it off.. see if it gets any better. Well I wish I hadn’t I wish I would have shut if off 5 minutes in a snapped the DVD in half. I kept saying to myself, it can’t get any worse.. it can’t get any worse and somehow it does. Even up to the last 2 minutes…. even the ending was pathetic.

    This movie has no redeeming value… even the hot chicks can’t make up for this pathetic attempt at filmaking… They ruined a perfectly group novel for this piece of shit!

  16. March 14, 2011 6:59 pm

    sugar

    i have no idia whay you guys are talking about… i LOVED IT

  17. April 9, 2011 3:25 pm

    Trent

    I caught this on the syfy channel. I had to keep watching ’cause it was so bad, but had sexy girls in it. : )


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