Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe is a terrible sci-fi movie starring Jesse Ventura, former WWE star and governer of Minnesota. I’m surprised that clips of this movie weren’t run by Mr. Ventura’s opponents during their campaign; these devastating images would almost certainly have tipped the balance in someone else’s favor. Perhaps they decided that was just too underhanded.
Ventura is Abraxus, who is some sort of alien policeman called a Finder. He’s been on the job for 10,000 years, which sounds pretty amazing until you see him in action. He’s bafflingly inept at fighting for a guy who has been at it that long. I lost count of the amount of times he gets his ass kicked in this movie.
Abraxus is assigned to hunt down his former partner Secundus, who is now an escaped prisoner and evil villain played by Sven-Ole Thorsen. Thorsen comes across as a second-rate Arnold Schwarzenegger. Perhaps that’s because he’s been in nearly all of Schwarzenegger’s movies. Note: I’m not kidding. The guy has been in 15 of Schwarzenegger’s movies as an actor, stuntman, or trainer. He’s also a black belt in Shotokan that could lift well over 500 pounds at one point, so maybe I should stop making fun of him.
One of the most bewildering parts of Abraxus is the score. Almost every scene is accompanied by wildly inappropriate music. Fights are set to soft jazz, tense scenes have jazzy music that would not have been out of place in a 70′s porno. Soft jazz abounds, and it is totally out of place in a sci-fi action movie. This is sometimes hilarious in combination with the awful dialog:
Some Guy: “Hey! What are you doing in my shop?”
Secundus: “I am recharging my answer box.” Uncomfortable pause, they stare at each other while porno jazz plays in the background. “You are quite a big man.”
Some Guy: “Yes.”
At this point you can’t help but wonder if they’re going to fight or start making out.
Abraxus chases Secundus to Earth and they have an incompetent battle set to soft jazz. You’d better enjoy this scene, because you’ll be seeing it replayed at least three or four times. They payed at least $100 for these explosions, and they’re going to get their money’s worth.
Secundus escapes briefly and impregnates an Earth girl with his hand. This is a good thing because no one wants to see this guy naked. It turns out that Secundus’s evil plan is to have a child and… umm… it’ll have something in it’s head, and Secundus will rip this secret out of the kid’s head and rule the universe or something. Abraxus captures Secundus but it’s too late to stop his fiendish plan. The girl gives birth two minutes later. Abraxus (big softy that he is) disobeys orders and refuses to kill her or the baby.
This sets up the rest of the movie, as Secundus inevitably escapes interstellar prison (again) and goes after the child. And Abraxus inevitably attempts to protect the child in his balding and incompetent way. Did Jesse Ventura ever have hair? You do get to hear some hilarious dialog, the most outstanding of which are certainly Jesse Ventura saying things like “My box has VD” and “Members of our force were taught to avoid VD”.
I find it amusing that this came out the same year as Schwarzenegger’s Terminator 2. The films share some slight similarities and both of the stars had worked with Schwarzenegger a few times. Surely they could have begged him for a bit part rather than making this stinker.
Recommended only if you get a kick out of bad 90′s sci-fi or you want to watch Jesse Ventura humiliate himself. The music and the dialog definitely lend themselves to mockery with some friends. It’s not exactly a bad movie gem, but with the right crowd it can be fun.