The original Starcrash is a very silly, very bad movie. It has some of the most laughable models and sets I’ve ever seen, horrendous dialog, and a goofy plot. Despite—or because of—all of that it’s a fun film to laugh at. What bikini will Caroline Munro wear next as her plastic spaceship flies across Lite-Brite skies, setting sail to fight against stop-motion robots and cavemen? When will the Hoff finally show up for his lightsaber duel?
Starcrash was a ripoff of the hugely successful Star Wars. It’s easy to see why someone would want to rip off Star Wars; even today, the original Star Wars looks pretty good (at least when Lucas isn’t screwing it up). By contrast Starcrash’s sets are cobbled together out of cheap junk and silver paint, golfballs, Lite-Brites, and models that people put together as kids in the 70s.
Starcrash 2 is a cheap knockoff of Starcrash. Seriously. They used the exact same models. Even the Lite-Brite sky is here. I couldn’t tell if they were reusing footage from the first movie or if they just went down to the corner model store and painted them the same way.
What genius thought “Man, that movie Starcrash is not only horrible, but it was a huge flop! We should ride that gravy train!” To be fair this movie’s real name is Escape from Galaxy 3, but they even marketed it as Starcrash 2 in some countries. The plot has nothing to do with Starcrash but it does feature a poorly clothed pilot and her hugely hairdo’d navigator.
Belle Star (Sherry Buchanan) is a half-clothed pilot on a plastic ship. Really, she has half an outfit. It has one arm and one leg, and she has a starfish on one breast. Her navigator Lithan (Milt Jamin) has huge hair and shoulder pads. Belle is some kind of princess or something. Sadly, she is not Caroline Munro.
The galaxy is under assault by Oraclon, Evil Intergalactic Disco Space Pimp (Don Powell, who also handled the score). This guy’s outfit makes Ming the Merciless look positively restrained. He even has gold glitter in his beard. If his device for blowing up your planet doesn’t kill you, you’ll probably die from shock or laughter afer you see him. He demands that Belle and her people surrender her ship and her planet and become part of his new, more pimptastic empire. Naturally they refuse, so he destroys their planet while Belle and Lithan escape.
After blowing up some plastic models from Starcrash Belle and Lithan hide out on Earth. The local hippies aren’t used to space people in funky outfits with starfish on their private areas, but after throwing some styrofoam rocks and stupid-looking laser beam effects at each other they become friends. In no time the Earth hippies reveal the point of this entire boring movie!
The hippies of Earth are apparently the only beings left in the galaxy that remember how to make sweet love. In some of the least sexy sci-fi you’ll ever see, they’ll teach Belle and Lithan about it. But then happy naked fun time is interrupted by Intergalatic Space Pimp Oralcon bombarding the planet. Thank you so much, Disco Space Pimp. I owe you a debt I can never repay.
In one of the movie’s more hilarious moments, Oraclon contacts the bridge of Belle’s ship only to see his viewscreen filled with the image of Belle and Lithan locked in an embrace. He watches, puzzled, for a few moments before turning his screen off and saying “What ARE they doing?!” Because in space, you just leave communications open when you’re getting busy.
Can Belle and Lithan use the power of knocking boots to topple Intergalatic Disco Space Pimp Oraclon from his cheap plastic throne? Will they shoot stupid lasers from their hands? Why the hell did I watch this? Prepare the uranium vapor rockets and eject this film into the sun.