7 Jun

Suicidal Review: John Dies At The End

Posted by Bryan White | Friday June 7, 2013 | Reviews,Uncategorized,Youtube

This week I take a look at the latest from Don Coscarelli, John Dies At The End, adapted from a novel by David Wong. If slacker humor with a heavy tilt toward H.P. Lovecraft and doorknobs that transform magically into penises are your bag, you’ll want to have a look at this one.

I also get excited about the first trailer from the upcoming, Machete Kills as well as the trailer for the upcoming NBC limited series, Dracula.

This week’s music is Southern Belle and was generously provided by The Midnight Ghost Train from their album, Buffalo.

15 Dec

26 dead in Connecticut

Posted by Bryan White | Saturday December 15, 2012 | Uncategorized

I know. Things here have been really quiet lately. There’s a reason for that, too. I’ve been working away at a novel. It’s been easy to divide my attentions lately due to a growing feeling of being disenfranchised from horror thanks to a parade of lousy movies and a incoming barrage of even lousier movies on the horizon. But yesterday something happened in Connecticut that made it even easier.

By now you’ve probably heard. You’d have to be a hermit not to have. A man named Adam Lanza killed his mother and then drove to a nearby elementary school and killed 26 people before turning the gun on himself. 20 of his victims were children in two classrooms that he targeted specifically. The dead ranged from ages 5 to 10. He specifically set out to kill the youngest and most vulnerable children in the school. You’ll understand if I don’t much feel like talking about violent movies right now or at any point in the immediate future, for that matter.

Tragedies on this level don’t usually affect me like this but I’m having a really hard time with it. Even 9/11 took a little while to really register with me but this time around I’m struggling. Ordinarily I’d just keep it to myself but my strength being writing, I feel like I need to talk this out and since I have a blog, why the fuck not here? Like an asshole, I tried to talk it out in public over Facebook but I was shouted down for not picking a side in the war of ideologies and the comments were hijacked by warring factions of the paranoid right and nauseatingly self-righteous left. So I quietly deleted the post and hoped that everyone felt for bad for being assholes. So to everyone, I apologize. Here’s hoping Obama’s New World Order secret police don’t come for your guns and implant an RFID chip under your skin before sending you to the concentration camps. And to the other side, I hope your endless Facebook lobbying for gun bans goes well and may your Prius get ever the better gas mileage. Your self worth, after all, is determined by your personal carbon footprint. I apologize for being wishy-washy in your bitter war of rhetoric but I was far too busy being gripped with fear, wondering if the next time my five year old daughter gets on the bus to go to kindergarten might be the last I ever see of her. My spare cycles were spent sympathizing with twenty six families who would be left with unopened Christmas presents under the tree this year.

The irony of being brow beaten with a pair of tacky ideologies is that everyone giving me shit for being soft on the issues was without children and you’ll excuse me if this sounds unfair because maybe it is but there’s a valuable perspective in being a parent. It shouldn’t take children of your own to see why 20 dead kindergartners is a tragic thing beyond measure but in the present American climate the battling factions in the war to see who can accelerate the decline of western civilization with greater efficiency couldn’t hitch their ideological wagons to this killing spree fast enough. The bodies were still warm as the Internet echo chamber fired up with calls for weapons bans starting at assault weapons all the way down to all guns. You had Mike Huckabee scolding America for secularism in schools. You had the usual paranoid scumbags desperately grabbing at any hold they could find to blame this on the president. The fringes are flexing their creative muscle to somehow work their usual end times prophecy shit into the discussion with claims of RFID chips and despotic police states emerging from the tragedy. I really can’t wait to see what Alex Jones makes of this.

The media certainly isn’t helping things doing as they have in the past, filling the news cycle with whatever opinion or analysis they can dredge up for the bottom feeders, trying to pin easy answers to the wall for public consumption so the disbelieving mobs can find something, anything that makes sense to them.

But this doesn’t make sense and it never will and this is exhausting. If 2012 is going to be remembered for anything, it’s the year the maniacs won. 2012 will be the year a crazy asshole under the delusion that he was The Joker hosed a theater full of people down at a midnight Batman show. This was the year another crazy asshole shot up a church full of Sikh people under the impression that they were Muslims. This was the year another crazy asshole shot up a shopping mall during Christmas shopping. This was the year a crazy asshole shot up a number of cops, killing one of them, the chief of police, when they went to serve a search warrant on his home. This happened a couple of towns over from where I live. This was the year a heinous, evil, crazy fuckhead snuffed out 26 lives, 20 of them having barely started living. Turning the gun on himself was too good for him and it came way too late. The first person he should have killed was himself.

I’m tired of this. I’m tired of violence. I’m tired of people finding any excuse to validate their stupid fucking opinions at the expense of dead people. I just want to let this be what it is. I don’t want it to represent a side of a larger argument. Right now all I can think about is how I have children coming up in a world where not even the littlest ones among us are safe. We can put up a wall and bring them up as best we can and love them with everything we have in us but how can I know that the next morning she goes to school or on a day we send him to school some mad man with a gun didn’t take his medication that morning and is on his way to their classroom to settle some imaginary beef?

Cinema Suicide is going on a bit of a hiatus. Not forever. I’ll be back but right now I just want to write a book, read a thousand books and try to make sense of a world where even very young children are fair game for mass murderers. I’d rather not spend my time watching violence on the screen and be critical of it when it’s all around me in the world I live in. Things are coming apart around us and our entire culture is on the verge of critical mass. I’d rather do something positive with my time for the time being. The Twitter feed, however will stay open since I like having a laugh with you guys and that’s a pretty good way to do it.

I’m sorry, everyone. There’s a number of you guys who are reading this now who have been coming around for a long time and you’ve been extremely supportive. I appreciate that. I really do. Thanks for making this all worthwhile and I’m sorry I turned this into an emo LiveJournal but I needed to get this out of me. My heart goes out to everyone who lost someone yesterday. From one parent to another, I’m so sorry.

11 Apr

The greatest horror movie scenes. Ever.

Posted by Bryan White | Wednesday April 11, 2012 | Uncategorized,Whimsy

OK, so maybe they’re not the best scenes ever, but they’re certainly some of my favorites. Lately, I’ve been feeling burnt out and jaded. Nothing I see interests me. The horror genre is starting to slip away again and I don’t feel much like writing about how much I hate the horror movies that I’ve been seeing lately. I spend my nights reading and playing video games and there’s enough bloggery out there about Game of Thrones that me tossing in my two cents wouldn’t cause much of a ripple. Basically all I’ve been up to lately is playing Battlefield 3, watching Mad Men and reading until my eyes cross. So casting all that negativity aside and bucking the need to write about fresh new horror, here I go, turning my eye to the past; to better days. These are the movies I love so dearly. They either fostered my love of the genre or gave it longevity. I haven’t written anything horror-related in a while. So here you go. Let’s get nostalgic. Feel free to comment, too! I want to know what your favorite scenes are. Bonus points if you link to the clips on Youtube.

Poltergeist – The face rip
The first movie that I actually remember scaring the fuck out of me, actually scaring me, was Poltergeist. It was broadcast on TV one night back when the major networks actually aired movies as part of their nightly programming and being as it was a PG rated movie, it made it to air with no cuts. This meant going out to televisions all across the country with this famous scene intact. The year was 1985. I was almost ten years old and watched it with my mom. While most of the movie spooked me, much to my delight, this particular scene was just too much for me and I wound up covering my eyes through the worst of it. I don’t care who directed it, Hooper or Spielberg. Whichever of you two was responsible for this scene, congratulations.

Friday the 13th Part 7 – Sleeping bag smash
I am a life-long Jason Voorhees fan, as I have made abundantly clear in the past. I really don’t care for most of the 80’s slasher icons as the core three (Jason, Freddy and Michael ‘The Shape’ Myers) are the only ones worth mentioning and by the time that I was actually old enough to start watching these flicks, the genre was limping toward its inevitable doom having been bled completely dry by the time I was 7 years old. Even my favorite franchise, The Fridays, was a limping race horse as the sequels numbered higher than 5, but no matter how ridiculous the franchise got, each one had at least one good kill. Friday 7, as ridiculous as it is, at least tried to do something more than lumbering killer slaughters stoned camp counselors, what with it introducing Tina the pyshic. Plus it brought us the mighty Kane Hodder. So popular was this kill that they brought it back for the hologram kill in Jason X, a movie I like way more than any grown-ass man should. This is the uncut clip in workprint form, which shows far, far more tree smashes and gore than we got in the theatrical cut.

The Silence of the Lambs – The importance of putting the lotion in the basket
My favorite scene of all time comes from one of my favorite movies of all time. Silence of the Lambs is an amazing piece of film. It’s a sophisticated example of mainstream cinema saturated in the lowbrow conventions of exploitation film. It always seems like it’s raining. The color palette is drab and muted and the subject matter is torn straight from the pages of a dozen true crime books. Even though the film is dominated by the interplay between Anthony Hopkins and Jodie Foster, the true monster of the movie is Ted Levine’s Buffalo Bill an amalgamation of America’s worst pathological murderers and this scene is clinically horrifying. There’s nothing explicit about it, either, which is why it’s so great. Most of my favorite scenes involve some sort of imaginative death scene, spectacular gore or in-your-face scares but there’s nothing in-your-face about this. It’s the subtle-to-forceful suggestion that his victim be properly moisturized so that her skin will be in good shape when he sews it into his woman suit. He uses the pronoun ‘it’ to deliberately dehumanize her and make it easier to kill and skin her. His cool demeanor, eventually blown sky high seals the deal. This scene is just plain disturbing for all the right reasons is one of many explanations for why The Silence of the Lambs is such a landmark horror movie.

The Sentinel – The truth is revealed
Director Michael Winner wasn’t really known for horror. His bag was actually action flicks and suspense with his best-known work being with Charles Bronson and the Death Wish franchise. It’s when a director a steps out of their comfort zone that they tend to shine and Winner really knocked it out of the park with a movie that I consider criminally underrated among horror movie fans, The Sentinel. This is an idea so strong that eventually Lucio Fulci would lift the concept and adapt it for his own landmark movie, The Beyond. Haunted house movies really get under my skin and this is one of the many that gave me actual chills. It’s mostly that idea of ‘there is something wrong here’ that gets to me. People and things being out of place. The scene below is the actual climax of the movie, so if you haven’t seen it, I don’t recommend watching it because the story is pretty cool and the resolution, what Cristina Raines is actually supposed to be doing in the apartment building, is fucking awesome.

That video, by the way, is the entire movie. I highly recommend it.

Zombie – Eye gouge
Speaking of Fulci, when I discovered the global horror fan club on the Internet all those years ago and connected with people over at the legendary (and probably the first message board dedicated to horror movies), Mortado’s Page of Filth, I finally connected the dots and realized that some of my favorite video store shelf goblins, those wonky cheapos I was drawn to after I’d exhausted all the recognizable American movies, were all directed by the same weirdo with a penchant for intense gore and scripts that made no fucking sense whatsoever. My favorite Fulci is actually The Beyond, but Zombie’s famous eye gouge is one of Fulci’s greatest moments of direction. Most of the time I got the feeling that he instructed his cast to stand around looking confused but this is a scene of pure directorial genius. It is so long. It is drawn out to an agonizing degree. See the girl. See the splinter. See the girl. See the splinter. It gets closer and closer. Slowly. You know exactly what’s going to happen and when it does, it happens in explicit, nasty detail. The splinter slowly enters the cornea as her head is pulled into it. Fulci had a thing for eyeball abuse. All of his noteworthy movies have something awful happening to eyes but this one takes the cake. The effect is great!

Shaun of the Dead – Killing Mum
Shaun of the Dead is a lot of fun and introduced Americans to the one-two-three punch of Edgar Wright, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost. It’s genuinely very funny, it appeals to everyone’s inner slacker and taps right into that zombie apocalypse survival plan you’ve secretly been working on for so long. Above all, it’s British and if there’s one thing Americans love, it’s British stuff. I’m guilty, too. British stuff really resonates with me. Doctor Who, Sherlock Holmes, Benny Hill. I don’t know what it is but you folks in the UK really have quality genre fare down to a fucking science. Keep it up. This is a very funny, very ironic movie that is basically silly bullshit with zombies but if there’s one thing that struck an odd chord with me is that moment in the third act, having been holed up at The Winchester for a while, when all of a sudden, this comedy seamlessly transitions to an actual horror movie with a deadly serious confrontation revolving around Shaun’s mother having been bitten. All of a sudden, shit gets real. They do this again in Hot Fuzz and the effect is a very similar feeling to having the rug pulled out from under you.

Dawn of the Dead – The Man Comes Around
I went pretty soft on the Dawn of the Dead remake because it turned out a lot better than I thought it would. James Gunn’s script maintains the general vibe and it probably could have been called anything else and been a decent zombie horror movie. The original is pretty cartoony and the introduction of the mall shuttles as armored anti-zombie vehicles kept that rolling but the star of the movie to me wasn’t the story. It wasn’t Ving Rhames or Sarah Polley or that dude from Modern Family. It was the titles at the beginning of the movie. They took the art of the credit sequence and elevated it to a religious experience, melding AP newsreel footage of riots with staged news reports, White House press briefings and zombie attacks and the whole thing is set to a Johnny Cash song about Armageddon. I think Zack Snyder is a hack and his movies are universally terrible but Dawn of the Dead was a pretty good attempt and if you ask me, is far bleaker than Romero’s original.

Day of the Dead – I’m running this monkey farm!
Of the holy trinity, Day of the Dead is my favorite. It gets tremendous amounts of flack for being so chatty, with long periods of talking between bursts of action and violence. Personally, I love the talking. The dramatic bits are propelled forward at breakneck speed by Joe Pilato’s absolutely nutty and venomous Captain Rhodes. He spends all his time on screen yelling and freaking out and it. is. glorious. This scene in particular illustrates my point, precisely, and it’s my favorite piece of the entire movie. Here is Captain Rhodes in all his bug-eyed glory, yelling and screaming, coming up with some bug-fuck nonsense about being in charge and for all of Romero’s social critique, this is the moment in the movie where his point is made clear. Romero’s original script had to be scaled way back for budgetary reasoning and in the process of cutting out the expensive shit, most of his message gets lost in translation but the forceful interplay between Rhodes and Doctor Logan illustrates the intellectual vs. anti-intellectual butting of heads that was so present in 80’s America (and has resurfaced today).

I’ll cut it short here. I could go on and on but you get the idea. Let’s hear it. I want to know your favorites.

26 Mar

Boss poster art for really bad movies

Posted by Bryan White | Friday March 26, 2010 | Uncategorized,Whimsy

Back in the day, aka the early 80’s, my dad packed all five of us into our dying Honda Civic and trucked the family into Boston to buy our first VCR. This was a momentous occasion for the family White. We took the spoils of our trip into the urban jungle home and on the way, stopped into Salem and set up an account at a video store called Video Paradise, whose big sales pitch was “Our videos cost $1 to rent”. Back then the home video market was still a novelty. They were fucking everywhere, you must understand, and much like the cottage industry of niche collector DVD boutiques that cropped up at the dawn of that medium, home video became this boomtown for anyone who had the money and license to transfer movie x to VHS and/or Beta. This resulted in a hilarious new industry of deception where the exploitation movie industry felt right at home. Video box art became the stuff of legend and lured a lot of people into renting some obnoxious crap based entirely on cool pictures. Here’s a list of a bunch that never failed to grab my attention when I was a kid, roaming the vaunted shelves of Video Paradise in Salem, Massachusetts circa 1984.

dir. Umberto Lenzi, 1983
Two sections of the video store obviously held my attention more than the others. I was devoted to the action movies and the horror movies. My parents wouldn’t let me see any of them, though, and this burned me like you wouldn’t believe. Sure, I’d eventually catch up with all the movies I ever wanted to see when I was 9 years old on cable, late shows, video trades, what have you, but few boxes capture my imagination quite like the box for Umberto Lenzi’s Ironmaster. Would you look at that fucking thing? What a poster! What a sword! Of course, none of that Frank Frazetta shit factors into the movie. Ironmaster, in actuality, is a really crappy Quest For Fire ripoff. If you go into it expecting virginal fantasy movie women kneeling at the feet of badass macho warriors, you would be sorely disappointed. If you went in having never seen the poster and expected to find a nonsensical movie about starving cavemen, has Umberto Lenzi got a movie for you!  I always assumed that this was some kind of Conan The Barbarian type of movie but when I finally caught up with the tape at a liquidation sale for a local video store that was going out of business, my disappointment was so substantial that persons nearby could taste it.

Exterminators of the Year 3000
dir. Giuliano Camimeo, 1983
It was the mid-80’s and it seemed like a forgone conclusion that missiles from The Soviet Union were going to come in the middle of the night and reduce our fine nation to sand and fallout. The only sensible thing for low budget filmmakers to do was take several hundred thousand dollars and shoot a bunch of assholes in rags hauling ass around the desert in dune buggies while pointing crossbows at each other. Sure, early experiments in post-apocalypse filmmaking were pretty cool but it took no time for Italy to milk The Road Warrior dry. Exterminators of the Year 3000 is among the worst of the leatherpocalypse movies out there and that’s saying something. The poster, a totally awesome vision of the scorched Earth of the future always made me take notice, mostly because the kid with the gleaming hand was really cool. Like most of these posters, the art was totally sweet in order to cover up the fact that the movie, your typical scavengers scavenging for the last water/gas/fertile women in the world was a movie so cheap and insulting that they sold it under a half a dozen titles in different regions of the world to cover their tracks in case anyone came for their head. At least Warriors of the Wasteland had that ridiculous hair and the most ridiculous buttrape revenge scene ever put on film.

The Slumber Party Massacre
dir. Amy Jones, 1982
I still have not seen The Slumber Party Massacre and there isn’t a part of me that regrets that. Even when I was 10 years old, though, this registered in my prepubescent mind as sexy. A prime example for feminists, parent advocacy groups and Gene Siskel, this poster pretty much said, in one photo, what all of those people were trying to warn everyone about when it came to horror movies. Here were four women in obvious peril. A menacing man with the most phallic representation of a drill you’ve ever seen stands over terrified women whose only role in the movie was to find themselves in positions where their boobs threatened to fall out of their skivvies. This box art embodied everything that was so naughty while simultaneously appealing to me about horror. I was not then and am not now, even after thousands of hours among the most heinous horror movies ever made, some kind of mysoginist but that photo made me want to watch this movie. Badly. These days I’m told that it’s as shitty as it looks.

Escape From The Bronx
dir. Enzo Castellari, 1983
They had a big-ass poster up for this one that really drew me in. The art, depicting the movie’s star, Mark Gregory, once again as Trash in this sequel to 1990: The Bronx Warriors, a movie I like a lot more than I should, is pretty compelling stuff. The movie is actually a shameful piece of garbage but the art, coupled with that lure line, The Year Is 2000… was the kind of thing that really grabs a kid’s attention. Some ridiculous part of me hoped that in the far future of 2000, the world would really have gone to shit and gangs would be warring in the street over turf and resources. It’s stupid as hell, but based on this sort of poster art, could you blame me? The submachine gun, front and center, always suggested to me that it played some sort of role in the proceedings but it doesn’t. I still don’t know what the hell it’s doing on the poster apart from taking up negative space in the design. I caught a whiff of this one shortly after seeing Escape From New York for the first time so just about any combination of post apocalypse themes, escaping and New York were an allure that I could not resist. LEAVE THE BRONX!

Def-Con 4
dir. Paul Donovan, 1985
Everyone with an interest in post-nuke movies, and those of us who remember the halcyon days of the video store, are familiar with this box. Def-Con 4’s packaging embodies the spirit of this age when drawing people’s attention meant selling a video rental. Like most movies that took this road, the poster has little bearing on the actual movie. At this stage in its production, producers probably had a script outline and not much else. Sales and funding balanced precariously on the success or failure of the poster, which rarely ever featured actors in the movie or anything concrete from the actual film. With the exception of Blastfighter, I can’t think of a more misleading piece of movie art. The plot concerns a bunch of astronauts aboard a nuclear armed satellite, but the lion’s share of the movie takes place on Earth. So that’s about where the similarities end. For those with a tolerance for high cheese, Def-Con 4 is actually a pretty decent entry and one of the few Post-Nukes to emerge from Canada. I’ve actually seen this art in other place but I’m not sure where it came from. I’m fairly certain that it’s not an original piece of work commissioned for the film like a lot of these posters tend to be as it shows up every now and then in collections of science fiction themed art. I suspect that it was probably a pin-up from an issue of Heavy Metal.

Faces of Death
dir. Conan Le Clair, 1978
I’m actually having a really hard time finding the original box art for the Faces of Death sequels, which were even more threatening than the first but the big, bold, proudly displayed BANNED! banner was the sort of thing that you didn’t often see. This was the kiss of death for a lot of movies but it was a brilliant piece of marketing by Gorgon Video whose logo was also about the most intimidating thing on the shelves. Faces of Death (Review) was a mythical beast of the horror section. The packaging is actually quite plain but it speaks volumes. The movie is a fucking dog and everything about it is fake but because of this menacing red and black box, it had a sinister reputation. Think back to how many sleepovers you attended where this was one of the movies you watched. I still remember that sudden shock when my friend Mike and I actually managed to rent this at our local shop and that intense disappointment as I watched it and realized that the sales pitch was in the packaging and the product was a rancid horror movie with not a hint of ghoulish documentary to it. The sequels and Worst Of tapes did nothing to make me feel any better.

I Spit On Your Grave
dir. Meir Zarchi, 1978
I think the most troubling thing about the Wizard Video release (and subsequent releases) of I Spit On Your Grave, a movie I’ve never seen released under its original title, Day of the Woman, is the prominence of ass on the cover. There are few movies as vile as I Spit On Your Grave which, for its spectacle of extended, extremely graphic and unbearably sadistic rape scenes, has built a strange cult of weirdos and revenge movie fanatics. One of my favorite blogs is even named after it. If there’s one thing they really shouldn’t do is lure you in with the sexy because if there’s one thing this movie isn’t, it’s that. So there you go, more misleading shit that made me feel pretty bad upon viewing. I was 14 when I caught up with this one and was ready for some T&A. Unfortunately, I was treated to a half hour of T&A that I would rather not have seen since the T&A was attached to a brutalized, screaming, struggling woman. True to the poster copy, though, I’d have a pretty hard time convicting her of her crimes if I were on the jury but I don’t remember anyone being burned.

dir. Lamberto Bava, 1985
Demons was one of the first movies that I ever saw advertised in a newspaper with the actual X rating attached to it. I was still pretty young at the time and X rated, to me, meant that it was porn. I don’t know. Porn with demons, I guess, and a hard rockin’ soundtrack provided by Motley Crue, Iron Maiden and Go West (?). Unlike the other boxes on this list, Demons actually featured a still from the actual movie rather than some weird artist’s representation based on script treatments. I really loved that makeup and seeing this image at eleven years old just freaked my shit out like all good horror movie art tended to do. It fascinated me, though, and it wasn’t long before I took it home and popped it in the VCR with no real expectations. The movie is called Demons, the box has a demon on it. What more did I need? Well, a coherent narrative would have helped, for starters. Demons is a fucking shit show and I have to tell you, I expected more from someone bearing the name Bava. It just doesn’t make any sense but tries to convince you that it does. Demons lay siege to a movie theater. Everyone is eventually killed. A dude rides a motorcycle through the theater set to Flash of the Blade and then a helicopter crashes through the ceiling. The end. Wish there was more to it than that, but them’s the breaks, kid.

14 Dec

A tribute to DTV. Isaac Florentine’s Ninja.

Posted by Bryan White | Monday December 14, 2009 | Reviews,Uncategorized

isaac florentine ninja reviewIt’s a hallmark of proper exploitation to produce a low budget version of a theatrical sensation and even though Ninja Assassin seems to have slipped through the cracks of this year’s much-bemoaned short box office dollar, there’s certainly room for imitators because ninjas are timeless, baby! Who doesn’t like a good ninja movie? More to the point, who doesn’t like a bad ninja movie? In the 80’s, Golan Globus and Sho Kosugi carved veritable video store empires with a series of godawfully shameful ninja flicks, many of which starred round eyed gaijin holding high ranking positions in a tradition of martial arts that is historically exclusive to the Japanese. This, itself, is hilarious but it’s also an artifact of 80’s racist policies about Western audiences embracing ethnic hero archetypes in their schlocky, stupid fucking movies. Still, it’s an ironic breath of fresh air to find that this policy is alive and well in 2009.

Isaac Florentine’s Ninja, which I feel the need to spell explicitly every time for the benefit of search spiders, has got to be one of the strangest real-life anachronisms I’ve yet to encounter. This kind of ninja movie is hard to conceive of. A part of its spirit seems locked firmly in 1985 and that’s a really good thing because it seems to exist outside of time. I really love martial arts movies but usually only when they’re produced in Asia because fighting actors are more commonly found in Hong Kong, Seoul and Tokyo than they are in the West and it usually makes for that difficult combination of skills that makes characters a believable lot. Here in the states, fighting actors tend to be picked from a more capable stable of stuntmen. For whatever reason, maybe they did Brigadoon in High School before their career path found them leaping off of tall buildings while on fire for a living. Or in Scott Adkins’ case, maybe you’re just a good looking dude. Whatever the case is with Adkins, it’s pretty clear why he had his mouth sewn shut as Weapon XI in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Continue Reading »

8 Oct

Halloween Blog-A-Thon Day 8: 10 Reasons Halloween is better than sex

Posted by Bryan White | Thursday October 8, 2009 | Uncategorized

sexy vampireI admit, this is kind of a cop out since I’m keeping it short this time but I’m in a hurry tonight and you’re hungry for some new Halloween trivia. So I’m taking the high road, a little sexy makes the bitter pill go down easier so here you go. The following list is the common result of a chain email that has been circulating since the late 90’s’. If you’re on the internet, you have received dozens of these. None of them ever seem to have a point and what’s weirder, they never seem to be selling anything. They just threaten your personal safety unless you send it along to ten of your friends. This one has probably popped up in some bad stand-up comic’s routine at some point, as well. As much as I love Halloween, I take issue with the comparison of Halloween over sex, but that’s just me and who’s to say you can’t combine the two?

  • You’re guaranteed to get a little something in the sack.
  • The uglier you are, the easier it is to get some
  • It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning
  • Less guilt the morning after
  • It doesn’t matter if they fantasize you’re someone else, because you are
  • Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy
  • If you don’t get what you want, you can always go next door
  • If you’re tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go again
  • You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some
  • You can do the whole neighborhood!
24 Jun

The Weekly Bodycount #11: Chop Socky Horror

Posted by Bryan White | Wednesday June 24, 2009 | Uncategorized

I ran way late with this update for my column, The Weekly Bodycount over at Sound On Sight, but here it is. Frequently being pigeonholed as a horror guy led me to inject my latest horror column with some Asian flavor since I happen to be just as big a fan of martial arts as I do horror. I’ve also been looking for any reason, lately, to talk about Story of Ricky. So here you go. Tomorrow’s column is already in place, expect more Asian flair, this time from Japan.

The Weekly Bodycount #11: Chop Socky Horror

19 Mar

Marvel Zombies 4 going old school

Posted by Bryan White | Thursday March 19, 2009 | News,Uncategorized

marvel zombies 4The first Marvel Zombies series was a lot of fun as Earth’s (and otherwise) mightiest heroes were infected with a disease that turned them into zombies.  Aided by their individual powers, they managed to eat the entire Marvel Universe, including Galactus! But the power of the ducket cannot be denied and Marvel launched a second series, picking up exactly where the first left off, leaving only a handful of human survivors on Earth under Black Panther’s protection. Unfortunately, the covers to Marvel Zombies 2, zombie spoofs of classic Marvel Comics covers from the past, were the best part of the book and the whole concept managed to jump the shark by the final pages of issue number one.  Suffice to say, I rode it out through a few issues and then let it go.

But Marvel Zombies continues to be a profitable venture and Marvel’s writers have come to realize that they haven’t quite killed off everyone in the continuity, they manage to dredge up some of their minor characters to stay and fight the zombies in Marvel Zombies 3 and carry them into the fourth entry in the series and where I wouldn’t ordinarily give a fuck, well, these are characters that bring nostalgia to mind for me.


When I first began buying comics, I would drop a little money on back issues of Marvel’s horror titles from the 70’s. I’m talking Ghost Rider, Werewolf By Night, Tomb of Dracula and Man-Thing. The restrictive nature of the Comics Code made it difficult for Marvel’s writers to fall back on convenient horror themes of the time so they had to get creative and as distinctly 70’s-ish as these books are, there’s a real darkness about them that’s easy enough for the saturday matinee crowd.


So here comes Marvel Zombies 4, starring Daimon Hellstrom (Son of Satan), Jack Russell (Werewolf By Night), Man-Thing, Morbius the Living Vampire and Jennifer Kale. Horror fans have a tendency to gravitate toward these characters that Marvel has swept under the rug time and time again even though writers are lined up around the block to resurrect them and bring them back into the continuity. Marvel Zombies is what it is and I’m not holding my breath for anything high quality, but it thrills me to see some of Marvel’s horror comics superstars all appearing in one book. I just have to wonder where Dracula, Frankenstein and Marvel’s original Zombie is through all of this.

7 Feb

Win a copy of Jet Li’s The Enforcer!

Posted by Bryan White | Saturday February 7, 2009 | Uncategorized

jet li the enforcerDo you like Kung Fu? Do you like Jet Li? Well, you’re in luck because I have one copy of the upcoming Dragon Dynasty release of Jet Li’s The Enforcer (aka My Father Is A Hero) to give away to one lucky winner.

How do I get this DVD, you might ask? Quite simple, actually. To enter the drawing, you must do the following:

1. If you are not already using Twitter, start an account.
2. If you are not following my updates, follow @CinemaSuicide. I will follow you back. Only then can you:
3. DM me the following message, “Enter me in the Enforcer drawing” – followed by your name and email address.

I’ll draw one name from the pool on Friday, the 13th and that person will receive the DVD, a Cinema Suicide t-shirt and whatever else I have laying around here.

You may ask, what’s all this about Twitter, then? Well, Twitter is fun. I use it a lot and you can use it to do a couple of things in relation to this site.  You can regularly interact with me, discuss articles, movies, whatever is on your mind, really. You can also use it to keep up with new content here at the site. Every time a new article goes up, my Twitter status updates with the title, the first couple of lines and a link back here so you’ll always be on top of the latest Cinema Suicide articles.

25 Dec

Nation Undead. The next generation in filmmaking.

Posted by Bryan White | Thursday December 25, 2008 | Uncategorized

Season’s bleedings, y’all!

A while back I reported on Lost Zombies, who I still advertise here.  I loved their idea of crowdsourcing a zombie movie from amateur submissions, no matter what your location.  I’m all in favor of new media and I love the idea of putting the creative power in the hands of the fans and seeing what they come up with.  But I thought their approach was a little scattershot.  Forming a single cohesive vision about how the world ends at the hands of shambling, hungry zombies requires a little coordination. This is a minor flaw, of course.  Lost Zombies has some fun videos over there.  But right now I’m here to talk about the latest amateur zombie flick to come out of the computing cloud.

Nation Undead.

Nation Undead eschews the notion of a social networking platform.  It’s less Myspace/Youtube and more straight ahead filmmaking.  But there’s a catch.  It’s not a free for all.  To participate, there is something you need to consider. Where in the country do you live?  Nation Undead has divided the country into zones.  Depending on where you live, your situation is different.  Some parts have become completely overrun and are just pockets of the living managing to survive among legions of zombies.  Others are facing a complete breakdown of order in the face of spreading anarchy.  Here in New Hampshire, foreign military has locked out the threat to some degree and has maintained a fragile martial order.  But the problem is that people don’t have information and no one is talking.  Things are quickly coming apart.

It sounds as though World War Z plays a huge role in the inspiration of this project and I can’t say that I blame them.  Max Brooks’ vision of the world spiralling out of control was pretty engaging, though Nation Undead is looking a lot bleaker than Brooks’ book. Nothing is in stone but I’m already talking to a few media making friends of mine about organizing a short for submission.

Definitely take some time to acquaint yourself with the site and for god’s sake, make your own god damn movie. This looks like it’ll be a ton of fun.

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